Labyrinth of a Womans Life

To Divorce or Not - that is the Question

2009-06-10T23:38:00.003+01:00

Still not having heard from my husband all this time, I find myself asking the question. Should I get a divorce? For many people this question may not require pondering but then you see I am a bible believing, tongue speaking christian. So it is a big....big question.

My bible tells me that God frowns on divorce except where there has been adultery. Well, my husband has been committing adultery which he does not deny. My bible also tells me that two cannot walk together except they agree. We certainly do not agree on the most important things in life, at this time. I am continually astounded at the number of lies my husband told me before he married me, only to reveal his true values after the wedding. The bible also says that one should not be unequally yoked, and my husband confesses that he is no longer a christian as he has become a convert of ATR. Finally for the prosecution my bible tells me that, he that will not look after his own, has denied the faith and is worse than an infidel. Financially speaking my husband had sent me to OYO state, that is the state of being 'On Your Own' before he sent me to Coventry.

Now, is there anyone out there that can give me the argument for the defence? I am open to hear it!

Susan Boyle Made Me Feel Better

2009-04-26T00:25:00.005+01:00

Last week Wednesday something phenomenal happened. Well it happened to me last week Wednesday, some early birds got the same information as early as Saturday the 11th but I got to know about Susan Boyle on Wednesday the 15th.

You may be wondering what Susan Boyle has got to do with Labyrinthitis. The answer is nothing really but she has become a parable of sorts. I read an article about how this middle aged woman from somewhere in Scotland written of by the audience and judges at an audition of Britain's Got Talent wowed the judges and the audience with her brilliant rendition of 'I Dreamed a Dream'.

Of course I went straight away to watch the YouTube video and I was transported. The woman has a heavenly voice but even more arresting is her story. Here is a woman born with some learning disability, mocked throughout her childhood, youth and even adulthood, forced by circumstances of her mother's health to abandon her dream of training to become an actress, spent the last thirty years caring for her sick mum and elderly parents, never married or even kissed, sneered at by the audience and judges and yet so dignified and forgiving.

Her instant celebrity so well deserved not just because of her voice but because of the goodness of her soul shining through the rustic looks and innocent charm, grabbed my attention. Her self sacrificing nature portraying nobility of spirit. Her ability to withstand the lifelong criticism and still stand on a stage so big showing the courage of her soul was to me immenssely uplifting.

Her choice of song was poignant and telling of her innermost dreams, her rendition was heartfelt but not self pitying. Here was a woman whose circumstances could justify her being sad and sorrowful but who instead manifested a humourous self deprecating laughter at herself and a positive attitude of hope. I watched that YouTube video at least ten times that night because it made me cry tears of happiness. I could identify with her as I am sure many people did and it gave me hope and joy.

I looked at my own circumstances and everything suddenly looked better. Labyrinthitis suddenly seemed a small irritant compared to being born with a learning disability consequent upon having her brain deprived of oxygen at birth.. I asked myself 'could I have given up the hope of a career to care for a parent for thirty years without complaint?'. I considered my unhappy marriage and figured that to have been married at all – no matter how bad the marriage, was slightly better than never having been asked out or been proposed to. Can you imagine what that could do to someones self esteem feeling that no one considered her worthy enough, and yet she bore this all. I looked at my dream of having my own child and my concern that time was running out fast and I compared myself to Susan and saw that I was better of still, I was nearly 46 but she was nearly 48.

Here was a woman born to her mother when her mother was 47. Yes her mother was a year older than I am when Susan was born, and this was 47 years ago when medicare was not so advanced. That in itself gave me renewed hope. Here was a woman overlooked for thirty years and suddenly hitting the world stage in grand style. As I write Susan is now more polular on YouTube and FaceBook than even President Barack Obama, this in itself gives me hope that if you don't give up, one day your dreams will infact come true. As I watched her sing for the umpteenth time I just prayed that Susan would win the competition and that all of Susan's dreams would come true for her. Just seeing Susan has given me renewed hope that all of my own dreams, will come true for me.

2009-04-13T17:41:00.000+01:00

Sunday 12^th April 2009

Easter day

It's Easter today and a day of joy. It is liberating to think that hell and the devil could not keep Jesus in the grave. It gives me hope that my problems, as many as they are, are only temporary.

I felt like going to church today but have not yet located the one I want to go to, since moving into the new house.

It is now exactly 47 days since I heard from my husband. I am wondering whether I should still refer to myself as married. How long exactly does a separation last before one is regarded as separated. My husband has effectively ensured that we have spent less than seven days together in the last six months.

My sister sent me a mail today after reading my story about my Labrythitis, she thinks I write rather well and should start a blog and share my story. I think I should do that too for another reason altogether. I found writing about my labyrinthitis rather cathartic (emotionally releasing- in case I am using the wrong word).

Today I cooked Easter lunch. I feel proud of myself, I have a huge sense of achievement especially as my head does not feel all that clear today and the noise in my ear and head is louder than it has been in the recent past. Now that's because I went out two days in a row prior to today. How I long for the days before labrynthitis, when I did not need a whole day to recover from an afternoon of shopping.

So dear reader (if you are reading this) this is one of the very first posts to my new blog. My blog is a child of my experience with labrynthitis but it will be about more than that. It will be about my life. The life of one woman. I guess my life is not too different from that of many other women. If you don't hear from others you think you are alone. labyrinthitis has taught me that a problem shared is greatly reduced. So if you read this and can identify with any of the things I am sharing please post a comment on my blog and let me know.

I wish I could get feedback from you, but I have to create the blog before you can give me feedback, and I can't have a blog without a name so I am afraid that I will have to name my blog all by myself. When you (my dear reader) gets to see it, let me know if the name is descriptive. Who knows I may rename it. Until further notice my blog has been officially christened ' The Labyrinth of a woman's Life'

I checked my inbox today for daily inspiration, I subscribe to some christian newsletters and I usually find the bible passages very encouraging (sometimes correcting) but always relevant. Lo and behold the very first mail was inviting me to mingle with Christain singles in my area. I wondered if God was somehow talking to me. I tried to join the group but came face to face with a field for completion that asked me to choose from one of the following (a) single never married (b) divorced and (c) widowed. Being a truthful person I could proceed no further there was no option for 'separated'- that brought home the fact clearly that I may be 'alone' but not 'single'.

Now this realisation begs the question what should I do?, I have been holding out hope that somehow my husband would have a rethink. At some point he had said that he was no longer interested in our having a baby and that if I wanted one I should raise the money for the treatment. After recommending that we take the IVF treatment, first setting the money aside then deliberately spending it on quixotic ventures, after choosing the location for the treatment and relocating me, after going off ostensibly to re-raise the money and successfully raising it, I was justifiably annoyed that he should stay incommunicado for three weeks only to come up with this new angle. I told him to show up with the money he had already succesfully raised or else... Well he has refused to show up and has refused to take my calls so I guess he has chosen or else....If you want to know why we need this treatment to achieve pregnancy keep reading my blog I will tell that story some day, right now I feel like talking about my marital status.

Yes, yes yes, I know someone is going to tell me that I should not have given him an ultimatum. I honestly meant for him to take me serious and quit procrastination. If seven weeks silence is the punishment for an ultimatum (47 days is just two days short of seven weeks) then he should get a life sentence because he gives me those kind of utimatums regulary without any cause starting from our honeymoon, and I have never chosen or else.....

The fact of the matter is that I am married but alone. It is Easter and I am alone. I was alone on New Years day, I was alone on Christmas day. I was alone on my birthday last year. My birthday is coming up in a weeks time and I will be alone again. My husband took the money meant for our IVF treatment and booked to attend (at his sole discretion) a seminar in Eqypt on the 21^st and 22^nd of December and stayed on for another ten days after the seminar was over, leaving me alone through Christmas only to fly in on the 30^th and travel again on the 31^st of December. My husband does not believe in communication, intimacy, romance, lovemaking, shared activities, going to church, or anything that he did not come up with himself. He does not give me emotional support and has now withdrawn what little financial support he used to provide. Should I be hoping for a miracle or should I get a divorce? I am more alone since being married than I was when single. Does anyone out there know what I mean?

Before now I had been encouraging mysef by quoting Romans 8 v 28 which says that 'all things worketh together for good for those that love God and are called according to his purpose'. When we first scheduled the IVF treatment who knew that I would develop a viral infection of the ear and end up with labryrinthitis. My husband not being patient with other people's ill health might have been angry and frustrated if he were not absent. Maybe my labyrinthitis was to make me feel better about my husbands absence and/or vice versa my husband's dissapearance was to make me feel better about the labyrinthitis in any of these scenarios my husband would appear just as the labyrinthitis was dissappearing or the labyrinthitis would dissappear just as my husband is re-appearing.

Maybe all of the above is just my wishfull thinking and I am just unfortunate to have a viral infection of the ear and a truant husband all at the same time.

2009-04-13T17:34:00.000+01:00

6th April 2009

Dear Ilia and Emma,

Thank you very much for sharing your experience on the website labyrinthitis.org.uk. It is a great inspiration and a God send. I would like to share my experience with you. I wish I had seen your site earlier. At least now I know I am normal and not a hypochondriac.

My labrynthitis started suddenly on the last day of January this year. I had just returned to the UK a couple of weeks earlier and was looking to move into a new house. For the two weeks prior to the start of this problem I had been very active and busy shopping and cleaning feeling very strong and well.

My sister had infact been encouraging me to take it easy but I was a woman on a mission. I was trying to make the house comfortable for my husband and parents whom I was expecting. I wanted them to move into a nice comfortable clean house and not have to lift a finger. During this time the relatively minor complaints I had, I just put down to my recent flight and the winter weather these were a slight nose bleed, dry irrititated eyes that quickly passed after a few days and a feeling as if a train was running undeground beneath my feet and shaking the ground (this I usually felt, only when I bent over forwards).

My husband postponed his arrival and so when the house was ready, I moved in with my parents. A very busy day it was for me with all the DIY I had to do; looking upwards holding a peg up to nail into place, lifting cupboards and beds all by my self, bending over while cutting and laying carpets, doing some final cleaning of the oven while bending down forwards. Through all of this I felt really strong and well, even the ground shaking did not bother me.

I finished in the wee hours of the early morning, had a hot bath and a piece of chocolate to pick me up, brushed my teeth and climbed into bed. As I bent forward to lie down, I looked sideways and saw the light under the bathroom door and it seared white hot like a bolt of lightning giving me an instant eye ache, headache and dizziness. I put my head to my pillow and there was this loud beat/ringing in both my ears. I tried to sleep but ended up awake through out the night wondering how I could feel so well one minute and so terrible in a flash of lightning produced by a sliver of light from a 60 watt bulb under the crack of the door.

I got up late the next morning tired and groggy from lack of sleep, dizzy and disoriented, with a fuzzy feeling in my head as if it was packed full with cotton wool that was pressing tightly to my skull. My right eye ball and socket ached and my head throbbed around my right eye. I was nauseous and week kneed but still had an appetite (to my great surprise). I could barely do anything all day and I spent the next couple of days in bed with cotton wool in my ears nursed by my mum who brought me hot drinks and meals and solicitously asked after me every thirty minutes.

After a couple of days the dizziness had not receded and my dad who is a retired doctor gave me some of his stemetil for vertigo and some aspirin for the headache. This provided minor releif but the lack of sleep due to the noise in my ears was driving me crazy, so my mum gave me some of her lexotan. What relief I experienced after two days of sleep!. I now figured that my goal was to sleep each night and even if the symptoms remained I was confident I could function. I continued like this for a couple of weeks.

Despite the sleep however the noise did not go, the dizziness was somewhat better but my head now felt as if there was a metal band being tightened around it. I became really really anxious I wondered what type of condition it was. I was afraid that it was life threatening, could it be a brain tumour, brain cancer or something terrible like that. When I mentioned these symptoms to my parents my mum noted that she had similar symptoms to the tight band around the head as part of her hypertension. She brought out her blood pressure monitor we checked my pressure and it was very very high. My blood pressure is usually a consistent 110/70.

Even the thought of hypertension at the tender age of 45 was somewhat reassuring as an explanation for my condition, but then despite being hypertensive for ten years my mum had never experienced most of my symptoms other than the light headedness, tension headache and mild temporary dizziness. My parents debated giving me some anti-hypertensive but decided against it and gave me more of the lexotan. That seemed to make me feel better and the next day we checked my blood pressure and it was very low. That I kind of explained by having been to a lab for a blood test earlier that day where 16 vials of blood were taken for some extensive tests I was taking prior to a planned IVF treatment.

Meanwhile my husband who had travelled to raise funds for the treatment was now three weeks over due and keeping silent, this was a bit of a worry but no where near as worrying and disturbing as the constant concern about what all my symptoms really meant. My husband traditionally has not been very supportive of me whether I am sick or well so his behaviour even though distressing was nothing new to me and something I could handle. My family on the other hand being face to face with his lack of support for the first time were convinced that his behaviour was the cause of my anxiety and kept trying to convince me to look no further for the explanation of the problem. But I new that something else was at the root if it,but what?

I now decided to go online and research my sypmtoms. Using the computer in the beginning was difficult. The computer did not really increase my symptoms other than a bit of eye strain if I stayed too long, but I found for the first few days of trying to research that I could not focus or concentrate. It was as if I was looking through a physical and mental cloud. This in itself was another cause for major worry. I earn my living teaching, writing and consulting. I spend half of my working time standing up lecturing and half sitting at a computer, researching writing or preparing training material. By this time I had figured out that standing for an hour at a time was stressful, moving around especially if I changed my head position brought on dizziness and nausea. Standing near a source of heat like the cooker made me light headed and dizzy.Even eating a meal was followed by a bout of light headedness and weak kneed grogginess and a desire to faint if I tried any physical exertion. Sitting still in one place brought some relief so I decided that I was going to sit at my computer ant try to work even if I could not concentrate, because the alternative was unthinkable.

My husband was now explaining his foot dragging, prolonged silence and non arrival by talking about not wanting to spend the money on IVF and not wanting to father an IVF baby as he would not be emotionally attached to it. He had effectively abondoned me. So the thought of not being able to earn my living was something I could not live with. I kept at the computer despite my well intentioned parents who kept oredering me to go and rest. My persistence bore fruit, as little by little as I was able to forget the headache, the tension in my head as well as the cloud making my brain foggy, and force myself to concentrate; while at the computer, if nowhere else.

My symptoms first led my sister who is a doctor to think I had a Menieres type condition. I read up on Menieres and found that it could be triggered by hypoglyceamia. I read up on hypoglyceamia and discovered some of my sypmtoms. It seemed to explain my tiredness after eating a carbohydraye rich meal and my new irritability and tendency towards anger and a hot temper. I am normally quite placid but all of a sudden I had become sensitive to criticism, and to negative comments I would otherwise tolerate. My self esteem was fragile and I was taking offense at things I would normally overlook.

I had complained and complained about my symptoms hoping to get an explanation from someone and my dad was now fed up. He had come to the conclusion that I was a hypochondraic researching on the internet to come up with new complaints. Beacause I looked well he concluded that I was well and was now pretending to be sick.

As far as he was concerned there was nothing wrong with me, so I started treating myself for hypoglyceamia, by going on a low glyceamic diet and taking Milk thistle extract to support my liver and metabolism. This seemed to cure the faintness after a meal but not much else. Even this one symptom gone was an overwhelming relief. I also visited a chinese clinic for accupuncture and accupressure for the (tinnitis) noises in my ear. The first session brought significant relief, but the second session restored the noise to its original level and subsequent sessions did not improve the situation, although I must admit that all the head massages improved the condition of my hair.

When we first moved into the house I was planning to be the perfect wife and daughter and had planned to look after my parents and husband single handedly until such a time as I actually started the IVF treatment. But now I found it difficult to do simple things. My mum is fastidous about her cooking and my few attempts to help her met with criticsm instead of the appreciation that my condition deserved, so I just stopped trying because she obviously did not know and could not see that it was a great effort to do some of those things I used to whiz through like a breeze. I was now learning to live with the condition and doing only what I felt capabale of physically. Because I looked well my mum started feeling like she was not getting sufficient help around the house from me, although she seemed more sympathetic to the fact that I possibly was still not well.

Recently a couple of weeks back my brother who is a doctor diagnosed my condition as labyrinthitis and told me it would take time to resolve. He told me that there was very little treatment for it. He suggested I use Beconase nasal spray as that might possibly resolve the inflamamtion in my inner ear. But that only irritated my throat and gave me a cough so I stopped taking it after a couple of days.

As at 6^th April 2009, I am much better because I am able to sleep regularly, the ground does not move so much, I still have the tinnitis, the head band tension, the headaches, regular fatigue, dizziness and nausea, (if I move around too much or try to focus my eyes when I am in motion), the woozy cloudy feeling in my head is still there but I am able to function and I thank God that I am whole and my condition is real and not a figment of my imagination.